my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
