I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
