Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
