Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize