I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
