A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
