I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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