I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
