I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
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