im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
