Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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