One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
