Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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