Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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