well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
