Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
