everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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