dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
