I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
