I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
