I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
