I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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