Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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