I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
