is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
