Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
