she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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