Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize