i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
