She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize