Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize