Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
