Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
