I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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