That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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