dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
