I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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