Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
