3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
