oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
