Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
