Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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