why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
How's work?
Spinning.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
