my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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