She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
