So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
