That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
