you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize