Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
