We're facebook friends in real life
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
