Umm I'm too high to move.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
