I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
