Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
