I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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