Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
it was like having sex with a tree stump
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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