you traded sex for a burrito?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
