hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
