Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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